Friday, January 9, 2015

Kids are gross and I do not want one. But baby calves are cool.

Here’s the thing: I’m not completely sold on the idea of having kids. I hope my mother doesn’t read this, I’d hate for her to receive the news this way.

I mean, let’s look at the obvious points here: I’m definitely a long way off from even considering the idea of kids. First I have to find someone who can put up with the fact that I love wine more than human interaction and then I just have to convince them to stick around for forever. Finding someone will be particularly difficult because I have an extremely high opinion of myself and need to find someone I love more than the reflection in the mirror. There's a limited amount of love in my heart already, and this fact does not build a great case for sharing it with a tiny human. 

Besides. Kids are gross. They are poop and vomit factories, and I do not like the idea of keeping one in my home. I’m pretty sure my home insurance policy doesn’t cover kid damage. People have told me that you’ll never know how much you can love something until you have a child. Ew. Gross. Feelings? That’s almost worse than the poop. If I wanted to experience unconditional love in my home, I’d go purchase a Golden Retriever and rent a movie based on a Nicholas Sparks novel. Besides, I don’t fully trust anything that produces 75 times its body weight in waste and has no control over where it lands. And apparently you’re not allowed to put it outside with the other livestock.

When they get past that stage, they’re not quite so horrible, but I remember what a giant pain in the ass I was when I was a kid and I do not like the idea of being served a piece of humble pie. I also remember I was sneaky enough and persuasive enough with my language to manage avoiding serious trouble… But with the amount of wine I drink, there’s no way my genetic material hasn’t been at least slightly damaged and I’m scared to think of the child that might result.

HOWEVER, infants with four legs? Obsessed. Can’t get enough. I forget how much I love these animals until I have a really crappy day and walk through the calf area for my nightly check. HOW CAN YOU IGNORE A FACE LIKE THIS?

You can’t. I’m not saying I’d ignore a child if it were mine and in my house, but four-legged babies are way more adorable. We understand each other. I don’t even mind when they accidentally poop on me.

Maybe it’s the fact that they’re so adorable, but I guess I do have some sort of paternal instincts. When I have a sick baby calf, I spring into action. Lately I’ve been having great luck with the calves due to some changes in protocol and I rarely see one feeling off. Maintaining colostrum quality and constantly enforcing rigorous sanitation practices are also key. I don’t hesitate to reach for a colostrum supplement when we’re running low of high-quality fresh maternal colostrum (Like LIFELINE Rescue), because I can be sure the calf is getting all the nutritional components it needs to get off to a great start. I guarantee however, no matter how proactive you are in your approach to calf care, every once in a while you will have a calf refuse milk. Everyone has different ways of treating animals, but regardless of your protocol, you should consider including LIFELINE Intervene in your arsenal of tools. It contains natural globulin proteins, electrolytes, vitamins and minerals that get calves focused on growing instead of scouring.

So I’ve got a plan for dealing with sick calves. That seems easy in comparison to dealing with a sick infant. Maybe my lack of readiness to bring a child into the world stems from being terrified and stupid. I have absolutely no idea what it takes to keep a kid alive - hell, I barely made it to adulthood. I’m just afraid that I might break it, and kids don’t come with a warranty, return or replacement policy. Somehow, when I picture my future though, it doesn’t seem complete without some children running around the house, destroying all the material things I hold dear and driving me to drink warm whiskey over the sink. But for right now, I think I’ll just enjoy my independence and focus on figuring out whether or not I can trick someone into being my lawfully wedded wife. You can rest assured, if there are shotguns involved in that process, it definitely wasn’t my idea.


See. I'm not a total monster. I've held one, it wasn't horrible.